I'm not calling it "suicide." That word has a stigma to it, and what I'm about to share is I believe more important than any stigma suffered by those who wish to end their lives.
You will hear and read story after story about people who were contemplating ending their time on this earth. I will add my own story. If you are in that dark place, I'm begging you to read it.
It was December, 2011. I had been unemployed for 21 months, with two temp jobs that didn't last more than two months. I was at the end of my financial tether. I had bought into the very harmful propaganda that I was a drain on society. I had officially divorced a few months before, and my ex had found another man and had moved on whereas I had not fully done so.
I began to devise a plan.to end everything that was me. I would do it by renewing my prescription for Ambien and then downing the whole lot at one time. But then I needed to know how much would be needed to do the job. As I began reading on the internet, I soon realized that I would never read of the success stories for what I hope are obvious reasons. Instead, I was reading about those who had not succeeded. I was reading stories of people who were in the Emergency Room with people trying to start their hearts or pump their stomachs.
I never found out the lethal dose. I don't want to. And if I did, I certainly wouldn't be sharing it right now.
I began to get a mental picture of me on some sort of table with people trying to frantically save my life when I no longer wanted to live. I then began to picture my two children who were only five and seven at the time. I pictured their tearful faces and how they would never understand why their dad took himself away from them. Tears started appearing in my eyes. After much thought and revisiting that scene in my mind, I could no longer go through with it.
Later that month, I landed a job. So things were already getting better, although my financial struggles were far from over. I have left that dark place and have never reconsidered that final option.
Please, please, PLEASE, if you have something to hold onto, hold onto that for your literal dear life. I am so very sincere in wanting you to live.
